
Photo by Monkey Business Images
You may not have known this, but there is a distinct difference between, “This is my dad’s wife,” “This is my Stepmother,” and “This is my Step Mom!”
What do I mean by this?
Sure by marriage you may be considered a stepparent, they may even call you their “Stepmother,” but do you have a meaningful relationship with your stepchildren?
Let me explain.
Growing up, when my mother remarried I had a stepdad, but I never thought to call him that. Strange right? I remember one day talking with a friend and mentioning something about, “my mom’s husband.” When I did, my friend interrupted me and said,
“Wouldn’t that be your step dad?”
I was shocked, confused and upset all in one. My dad had set such a high standard of fatherhood (not perfect but a great father) that calling anyone a name close to that was almost blasphemous. Plus I was a daddy’s girl. I remember my heart racing super fast as I snarled back at my friend with an attitude that could end a friendship,
“No! He’s my mom’s husband.”
And I quickly changed the topic.
Later that day, I thought about the conversation and wondered why in the world had I never considered him to be a stepfather? I thought about our interactions up until that point. He never showed interest in my life especially when I wasn’t around; he never poured wisdom into me, I never felt a need to go to him for anything mentally, emotionally or socially. Our relationship was meaningless. So I decided that he would remain, “my mom’s husband,” because I didn’t see why the relationship warranted any other title.
Sure my loyalty to my father played a role in this, but I don’t believe that would have stopped me from seeing him as my stepfather if he had given himself value in my life. From my perspective, he wasn’t a genuine, consistent parental figure in my life and his presence only benefited my mom. So why would I call him my step-dad?
Here is where it gets real.
I am a bio mom and a stepmom. I was a step child. I know it can be easy to just exist in the lives of your stepchildren and only step up when needed. But as a Christ-following step-parent, your assignment is much bigger than just existing. You are called to be more than just “My dad’s wife,” or “My Stepmother,” you are called to a meaningful relationship that brings value to the lives of your stepchildren, even if they never recognize you for it.
Being a stepmom is a challenging and often very thankless job. It tends to be around mother’s day when the awkwardness of being a stepmother consumes our thought life. It’s when you don’t know if you should celebrate your motherhood or be silent in your motherhood. It’s when you start comparing and contrasting all the things you do that make you a mother that should be thanked at least on that day. It’s when the active stepmoms and inactive stepmoms all want to be recognized for their efforts, and trust me, both exist and want praise.
But Mother’s Day shouldn’t be the day that we compare and contrast ourselves as mothers. We should do that all the time. Not in comparison to the child’s biological mother, (if you’re doing that, your eyes are on the wrong person) but rather how you measure up to YOU. How well are you doing in fulfilling the assignment God has given YOU in your step child’s life? You should be pursuing HIS “Well Done” for your assignment not for theirs.

Photo by Alena Ozerova
So, how well are you doing in the pursuit for your “Well Done?” If you’re struggling to have a more meaningful relationship with your step children, here are a few tips to help you get started.
- Call or text them throughout the week and see how they are doing– Not just when they are headed for a visit or during holidays and birthdays. Text with no strings attached and with the understanding that you may be ignored or rejected the first few times as they begin to learn how to embrace you in a more active way. Be genuine and consistent.
- Learn their love language and begin to speak it– Not in an overbearing way but in a way where they feel you have taken the time to understand them and have a genuine interest in getting to know them. Again be authentic and consistent.
- Never talk negatively about the biological mother– This is a biggy! No matter how horrible you feel she is, speak positive or say nothing at all. Remember, this child is a byproduct of both your spouse and the biological mother. They want to believe the best and not the worst about their mother no matter how she is treating them. So even during those times when dealing with the biological mother is a challenge, remember that everyone expresses brokenness differently, that doesn’t make them a horrible person, it just reveals their level of brokenness.
Our role as stepmother is not to replace their biological mother, but to be an additional source of love, wisdom, and protection. They may never call us mom, mommy or mama, EVER, but we need to be clear on the assignment we have been given in our step children’s lives. We need to remember that we are working for a,“Well Done my good and faithful servant,” anything else we get is a bonus!
So stepmom’s it’s time to Step up. No more excuses! Through the disappointments, and frustration, we must extend grace when grace may not be extended to us, and love when love may not be shown toward us because as Nehemiah 6:3 says, we’re doing a great work and,”We can’t come Down.”
Hello,
I have a question, how do I as a Stepmother continue to be the Woman of God and Mother to Stepchildren that reject me because the biological Mother discourages the relationship?
You can pray for them, offer kind words and gestures, and otherwise do everything to foster love and relationship in ways that are only dependent on you.
These are amazing ideas!
Thank you Amelia
Hi Janita,
Sorry for the delay!
This is an amazing question. Let me say that rejection doesn’t release us from our assignment. It just means you have to be creative in how we fulfill it. When I felt rejected in trying to fulfill my role as a step-mom, I decided to commit to praying for them. I prayed and fasted for the areas I saw in their lives that needed Gods hand right in that moment. As long we have the ability to pray on their behalf, we’re not released from our assignment. If you have the chance please check out our recent He Said She Said on facebook https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1961433367423372&id=1621088078124571
Thank you so much, my Mother in law just gave me this same advice today!
That is awesome! Confirmation friend!
I was going to ask kind of the same question. Bio mom hates me and does not want their father and I involved in their lives period, let alone on her time. I’ve tried texting encouragements or just simple notes and that had backfired big time. It’s hard to speak positively of bio mom when she does come up because she is extremely manipulative and destructive in her parenting – into drugs and alcohol. I guess this is another prayer situation? I’m only 27, step parenting a 16, 11, and 5 year old and pregnant with my first. We only see them 20% (50% during summer though) and their father and I are the only constant Christians in their lives. We are coming up on two years of marriage, and though things have gotten better in our marriage, I still struggle greatly with how to be involved with the kids as I have more time with them as a stay at home wife/mom.
Hi Kathryn,
Our apologies for the delayed response. Let us first say that we commend you for taking the time to see that there is an issue in the relationship and desiring to want to see it better. Raising teenagers can be a challenge, we know because we have been there and are there. Some of what you are experiencing may be based on influences, some may be the season of life they are in and some may just be a natural resistance. It sounds like their may be a lot of things impacting the children’s willingness to fully embrace the new blending and a lot of brokenness within the other parent. All of these things create walls that take time to break down. You are right, this is another situation that has to be prayed through.
Being involved with them may look different each day. One day it may be cooking a good meal, another day it may be giving them space and another day it may be a good conversation on the porch. Each day sprinkle a little healing oil on their heart by what you say, do, or, pray. Over time the walls will start coming down. Try not to force those walls down but instead softly chisel them down with your consistent love, wisdom and prayers. Your doing a great job! Stay encouraged and keep up the good work, you can do this!